HUSKER DAN'S
SPECIAL FOOTBALL PRIMER FOR THE 2003
SEASON!!!!!
SINCE THE LAST HUSKER GAME, YOU MAY HAVE FORGOT SOME
VERY ESSENTIAL FOOTBALL INFORMATION. HUSKER DAN
HAS IT ALL, RIGHT HERE, FOR YOU IN HIS SPECIAL EDITION.
FOOTBALL TERMINOLOGY YOU NEED TO KNOW SO YOU DON'T ACT STUPID LIKE
THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO YOU AT THE GAME
OFFENSIVE
LINEMAN:
A tackle who passes gas in
the huddle
NO HUDDLE
OFFENSE
See "OFFENSIVE
LINEMAN"
A FOOT
SHORT
See Jim Rose, Frank Solich
and Cory Ross
WIDE AND TO THE
LEFT
Where Teddy Kennedy sits in
the Senate
SPIKE THE
BALL
A weird name for a
ball
MILK THE
CLOCK
A weird name for a
clock
FORWARD
LATERAL
An
oxymoron
TWO MINUTE
DRILL
Needs new
batteries
THE CROSS
BAR
One owned by Ron
Brown
HIT THE GOAL
POST
What Richie Incognito should
have done instead at Penn State last year.
WE
How Husker fans refer to
their team when "we" are winning.
THEY
How Husker fans refer to
their team when "they" are stinking up the place.
POOCH
KICK
PETA
wants this sucker outlawed.
FAIR
CATCH
Average. Could be
better.
HE PICKS HIS HOLE
WELL
As in, "Well, Adrian, that
fullback really picks his hole well." I mean, if the dude has a problem
like that, shouldn't he visit his proctologist and get a bottle of worm
pills?
COFFIN CORNER
Where all the smokers sit (coughin'-get
it?)
IDD-NEE
As in, "Well Adrian, he's a pretty darn good receiver,
idd-nee?"
(See also, wood-nee, wahdd-nee, could-nee)
REPEAT THE DOWN
As in when the official says, "There's a five yard
penalty, repeat second down." If they keep repeating the down, won't they
keep getting the same results? Geez, I mean, the game could go on
forever.
FOURTH AND LONG
Where the original NU football field used to be located
(just east of Barry's).
THREE AND OUT
The maximum number of fights a player can be in before
he's thrown out of Barry's.
MEDICAL
TERMINOLOGY
Damitol
500mg
To be
taken when your team suffers through a dreadful 7 loss, non-winning
season and has 2 home losses to boot.
Jammalazine
200mg
To be taken whenever
your QB throws into double and triple coverage, or when he overthrows a
wide open receiver and instead hits a wide-open defender who returns it 50
yards for a touchdown.
Myteemzaphalen
50mg
To be taken when your
favorite team is behind and is getting punk-slapped. Take one tablet
for each point your team's behind. If there is less than
a minute to go in the game and your team is still losing, chug the
whole bottle.
Scorazine
100mg
To be taken whenever your
team gets into the Red Zone but has to settle for a field goal attempt that gets
blocked.
West DeNile
Virus
A scary mental
condition found in those doofuses who have seats in the north end
zone but who say they wouldn't want el primo seats on the west side
half way up on the 50 yard line. "From the end zone you can see the
plays developing-you can see the holes opening up. I'll take end zone
seats any day. You couldn't give me tickets on the west
side!"
Yeah, right.
Pollarhoids
A frustrating mental
condition caused by fans believing their favorite team should be ranked higher
in all the football polls.
Floridosis
An inflammation believed to
be caused by football fans who think their team is no good unless it has a bunch
of players from the state of Florida.
Nonsackquitor
A condition resulting from
your team's inability to record any quarterback sacks in a critical
game.
Lossteoporosis
A sometimes fatal disease
that results when fans' annual expectations for an undefeated, national
championship season don't materialize.
HUSKER
FEVER
If you are lucky enough to
have this disease, remember, there is no cure. Nor will there ever be
one. Nor should there.
I'll bet you don't remember what an interview with
Nebraska head football coach is really like, do you? No sense in dragging
out your old video tapes from last season. Just read Husker Dan's fast-forward
interview.
A MINI
INTERVIEW WITH FRANK SOLICH
Sports Reporter: What can
you tell us, coach, about the Huskers as they approach the season
opener with the Oklahoma State Cowboys?
Coach Solich: Well, cernly, without question, at this point in time,
we're happy with where're we're AT.
SR: What have practices
been like this summer?
CS: Well, generly, without
question, at this point in time, our players have been practicing very hard on
the football fill'd this summer.
SR: What are your
thoughts about last season's bowl loss to Ole Miss in the Liberty
Bowl?
CS: Well, without
question, that's a game that coulda went either way. Our defense was on
the fill'd way too long in that game.
SR: We've been talking
with Nebraska Head Football Coach, Frank Solich. Thanks, visiting with us
coach.
CS: Cernly.
You can e-mail
Husker Dan at