R E D C L A D L O O N
Winging It:
For rabid-type Cornhusker fans, there is no drier point on the calendar
than
the seemingly endless non-football segment of the year that we all now
occupy. It's downright awful. Like many, I believe the essence of this
portion of the calendar has been best captured by the contemporary
American
poet, Ric Ocasek, who once opined: "Summer,
There is infinitesimal wisdom, complexity and insight in these powerful
lyrics. They exhibit the endless, round-and-round monotony that make up
the
months of June, July and August. And trust me, Ric is a bright fella --
how
else do you think a guy who looks like he does was able to bag Paulina
Porizkova? Really, the only things worth bothering with in the summer are the
various
preseason College Football magazines. But even proud, time-honored
publications like Lindys, Street & Smiths, and Athlons are pretty
unoriginal,
since they all use the same basic formula to arrive at their preseason
rankings. Mathematically, it is written like this: (p)R = (r)S - T(gr) For the rest of us, that's: "A Team's Preseason Ranking is exactly
equal to
its number of Returning Starters minus the number of Tough Road Games
they
play." But, like the inside of Keith Richards' head, this blanket theory
has
a bunch of holes in it. How else can you explain these jokers ranking the
Arizona Wildcats third to start the 1999 season? We here in The Pond don't really have a better method of coming up with
preseason rankings, but we figured we would launch our own preseason
publication anyway. So, fellow football fans, we give you ATHLOON's Top 5
for
this coming season, complete with a handful of fearless prognostications: 1. NEBRASKA. Despite a tumultuous off-season filled with adversity --
we're
talking about quarterbacks having trick knees and ingesting rogue ham
sandwiches, of course -- the Cornhuskers have emerged as ATHLOON's team
to
beat in 2000. We put hours and hours of intensive analysis into our pick
for
the top spot, and the Huskers get the nod based on their powerful running
attack, a favorable conference schedule, and because we still owe the
University of Nebraska-Lincoln a bunch of student loan money.
Congratulations
to the Cornhuskers.
2. FLORIDA STATE. Like every other preseason publication, we here at
ATHLOON's lovvvvve Florida State. Not only should the Seminoles be held
up as
an example of the most perfect football dynasty of the modern era, this
year
we are suggesting they be appointed to fill key positions in the
executive,
legislative and judicial branches of the federal government. Their
13-season
streak of finishing in the Top 5 is the most amazing accomplishment since
Cro-Magnon Man discovered fire, and there's simply not enough bandwidth
on
the whole Internet to talk about how wonderful things are in
Tallahassee.We
bow down to FSU, the all-beings of space, time and dimension.
3. WISCONSIN. Former Husker Barry Alvarez has engineered a mini-Big Red
in
Madison. Evidence of the (Cottage) Cheeseheads mimick job of NU is pretty
clear: They wear red and white, they run the ball and play doberman
defense,
they live in a town named after a dead president, they even have a
no-frills
quarterback with a semi-familiar name of Brooks Bollinger. However, if we
find out that they have a running back named Armand Greene and a
linebacker
named B. Roderick Thomas, we are going to check into whether any genetic
cloning is going on at the UW Ag School.
4. ALABAMA. Mike DuBose, who is no relation to Doug, almost lost his job
last
year because of some heinous scandal that involved a woman that was not
his
wife. In more important matters, the Tide lost to Louisiana Tech. Upsets
like
this would not happen if they could still get players like the ones Bear
Bryant got in the late 1950s, such as Forrest Gump. And if they could
find a
kicker who could make extra points, particularly in overtime, that would
help, too.
5. MIAMI. ATHLOON's really doesn't know if the Hurricanes are Top 5
material
or not. We just think any team with a coach named Butch deserves some
love --
even the godless, outlaw Miami Hurricanes. We also know that for the last
six
years or so, we've worn out the R- word (that's "rebuilding") when
talking
about the Canes. So it's about time for them to you-know-what or get
off the
pot.
OUR HYPESMAN PICK: It is a safe bet that no one from Nebraska will win
it,
though Eric Crouch might get a couple of Yeah-He's-Good-Too votes. Long
about
1995, The Hypesman Cult decided that NU's most productive guys were
merely
products of The System, and that they weren't worthy of hunks of
sculpted
bronze. When picking Hypesman favorites, it is always a safe bet to take
a
Big Ten player. So, we'll take Penn State offensive tackle Kareem
McKenzie as
our early frontrunner. After all, he only allowed seven sacks last year,
five
of them against Michigan. There you have it. For all the reasons above, this figures to be a fun
season
for college football. But as far as our rankings for the rest of the
teams,
we'll be coy about it, and direct you to again heed the words of Mr.
Ocasek: "Let them leave you up in the air.
And we're late for the hairstylist. See you soon. ==STEVE==
ATHLOON'S 2000 COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW
6/6/00
it turns me upside down.
Summer, summer, summer,
it's like a merry-go-round."
THE BAD NEWS: NU doesn't have any good players named "Brown" left on
the
squad, other than the kicker.
THE GOOD NEWS: The team has a couple of big, white lines that are so
good,
George Dubya Bush once tried to snort them.
BOLD PRESEASON PREDICTION: Will run the ball a lot, beat teams very much bad.
THE GOOD NEWS: FSU is a good party school, mainly because 28-year-old
QB
Chris Weinke can buy younger Noles booze.
THE BAD NEWS: That big, Polish, Mr. Clean-looking kicker of theirs got
deported before he could get kicked off the team.
BOLD PRESEASON PREDICTION: Bobby Bowden will get interviewed by his
out-of-work kid on ABC at least nine times this fall.
THE GOOD NEWS: Will play mighty Cincinnati in Madison this year.
THE BAD NEWS: Will have to devise a better offensive game plan than,
"Just
Give It To Ron."
BOLD PRESEASON PREDICTION: Dayne will be wistfully alluded to in every
other sentence during Badger broadcasts. Sniff.
THE GOOD NEWS: Though they lost their top runner, UA still has two
other
guys who spell their first name "Shaun." Seriously.
THE BAD NEWS: Their helmets are still one maroon shade darker than
their
home jerseys. How annoying, particularly when they play in the Georgia
Dome.
BOLD PRESEASON PREDICTION: The coach will negotiate a new contract
complete with a pay raise, a better health plan and a 12-gauge shotgun to
protect his family with after a loss.
THE GOOD NEWS: Self-imploding turnover-machine erratic Michael
Bishop-wannabe Kenny Kelly has decided to only play baseball.
THE BAD NEWS: Like the Canes, Luther Campbell and the 2 Live Crew are
probably due for a comeback, too.
BOLD PRESEASON PREDICTION: They'll go 12-0. Or maybe 3-8. Who knows
with
these guys.
Let them brush your rock and roll hair."
Red. White. Loon. Play DAILY Infuriating Husker Trivia in THE POND,
Home of Nebraska's Red Clad Loon.
http://www.redcladloon.com