R E D C L A D L O O N
Winging It 9:
THE LOON TALKS BACK
10.16.003
Time again, dear readers, for another installment of -- oh, you guessed it -- "The Loon Talks Back." For this Universally Respected and Adored Writer, this is a highly effective way to get members of my vast readership involved in my Highly Important Husker Opinion Column. The need is evident -- on a damn-near hourly basis, I get all manner of feedback from the red-clad masses, asking questions upon questions upon questions regarding our beloved Big Red. The inquiries are as varied as the people who pen them, too -- people asking about the offense, people asking about the defense, people asking about the special teams, people asking about precisely where I live and at what time of day I'm least likely to be home, and so on. It's entertaining, to say the least.
I sincerely appreciate all of the correspondence, and I really regret that I can get to only a few of your letters each season. Regardless, let's crack open the mailbag and see what good we can do:
DEAR LOON,
ON SPORTS TALK RADIO THE OTHER DAY, THE HOST WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW NEBRASKA'S DEFENSE IS A FRAUD, BASED ON THE FACT THAT IT GAVE UP A VERITABLE PLETHORA OF YARDS TO MISSOURI. I MEAN, THAT FOURTH QUARTER WAS BAD, BUT I WOULDN'T CALL WHAT THEY GAVE UP A VERITABLE PLETHORA, WOULD YOU?
-- MARK P. IN LINCOLN
Mark,
No, not really. Says here in my Big Book of Sportswriting Cliches that you need to give up at least 500 yards before it officially qualifies as a veritable plethora. So the Blackshirts are safe this week. As to the D being frauds -- well, last year Oklahoma gave up basically the same amount of yards in a nailbiting squeaker of a donnybrook down in Columbia -- but by the end of '002, no one dared dream to call the Sooner defense a fraud. In fact, I think the obvious question here is: Why is a plethora always "veritable"? That word basically means "true," yet you never see it used in any other context except to describe a plethora. Is it just a cheap and cliche way for broadcasters to sound intelligent? Just once I'd like to see one of these bobbleheads refer to Joe Dailey as a "veritable freshman." Just once.
DEAR LOON,
NOT MUCH OF AN ANSWER THERE. C'MON, PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW. WHAT'S THE DEAL ALL OF A SUDDEN WITH THE DEFENSE?
-- CLEM IN OMAHA
Clem,
Does the number "117" mean anything to you? No? Well, that's the number of points the Blackshirts have given up in their last three games while wearing the red road pants -- 62 to Colorado, 14 to Southern Miss and 41 to Misery. There's your culprit right there. In contrast, they gave up a measly 107 points in their previous three games while wearing the WHITE pants on the road. Helloooo ... do you detect a trend here? No? Well, now that you mention it, I don't either. Never mind.
DEAR LOON,
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE WITH THIS KELLEN HUSTON CHARACTER IF HE WERE ON YOUR TEAM?
-- FRANKLIN IN HEBRON
Franklin,
Boy, everything was sure "hitting the fan" Saturday, wasn't it? Ho ho ho! To answer your question, probably the same thing that the Husker coaches have done -- I'd give him the week off. But I probably would have also given him a handshake and a hearty round of congratulations. That was the first time a Cornhusker hit anyone associated with the University of Missouri hard all night (rim shot). 'Sides, the little punko probably had it coming; to quote Patrick Swayze -- nobody puts Baby in a corner.
DEAR LOON,
I'M A DIE-HARD FAN OF THE TEXAS A&M AGGIES, COMING UP TO LINCOLN FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS SATURDAY. I REALLY DON'T KNOW MY WAY AROUND UP THERE, AND I WAS HOPING Y'ALL COULD GIVE US SOME POINTERS ON WHERE TO GO AND WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE GAME. WHAT'S THERE TO DO IN THAT TOWN OF Y'ALL'S?
-- BILLY IN BRYAN, TEXAS
Billy,
Most of the pregame pump-priming happens downtown, where a number of pubs work 'round the clock in helping a guy get disoriented on his way to Memorial Stadium. Worried about getting lost? Don't be -- just remember that downtown Lincoln is set up on a simple grid. The north-south streets are numbered, while the east-west thoroughfares are delineated by letters of the alphabet. Sort of like "Sesame Street," except with lots of booze. You'll probably want to start your odyssey on "O" Street, which is also the main route fans take to the game. This should be familiar to Aggies, because "O" also was A&M's final scoreline the last time they visited Lincoln.
DEAR LOON,
I KNOW YOU REALLY TRY TO KEEP THINGS APOLITICAL AROUND HERE, BUT I JUST HAVE TO ASK -- DOES ANYONE STAND A CHANCE TO RUN THAT TEXAN OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE IN 2004?
-- HOWARD IN MONTPELIER
Howard,
You're right -- politics and football don't mix, especially when Rush Limbaugh opens his mouth and starts popping Vicodins. But to answer your question, it's doubtful that any Democrat will be able to compete with the organized machine that Dubya has created. In fact, G.W.B. already has an elaborate designation system for campaign volunteers set up -- those who recruit more than more 1,000 volunteers to work on his re-election campaign will be known as "Rangers," in clever recognition to the Major League Baseball club the Prez once owned. Meanwhile, those who recruit 85 high school All-Americans and never have anything to show for it will be called "Longhorns."
DEAR LOON,
IT SURE HAS GOTTEN HARD IN RECENT YEARS FOR PEOPLE TO LIKE THIS HUSKER TEAM, DON'T YOU THINK? I MEAN GENUINELY LIKE THEM.
-- FRED IN OMAHA
Fred,
Oh, come on. It's always been this way. The relationship Cornhusker fans have with their team has always been laced with acrimony. We don't like the players, we don't like the coaches, we really don't like the announcers, especially that wanker Swain. And we really don't care for the fishhacks, either, not really. We're bugged at how old Memorial Stadium is because it's icky and gray and hard to get up to and the seats are too narrow. And we loathe the pithy improvements they try to make to it, because they're plasticene and phony and then they charge too much for a Pepsi, and meanwhile the whole Husker Nation marketing scheme is just part of a massive con job to make us forget just how lousy the corn prices are. Other than that, though, I'd say Husker fans have always been perfectly happy.
DEAR LOON,
IT'S OCTOBER -- TIME TO SEPARATE THE MEN FROM THE BOYS, OLD BOY. SO, WHO'S YOUR FRONTRUNNER FOR THE HEISMAN?
-- WOODY IN VIRGINIA
Woody,
Probably someone from Michigan again. They're off to such a great start, after all. Aww, who really gives a rat's arse? The Hypesman is a stupid award with no realistic criteria for winning it, making it a breath-wasting anachronism in our times. Anyone who wins it in this day and age has to be a tool of the massive corporate style-over-substance machine that is network TV. By the way, I can freely say all this now because the 18-month moratorium on bashing the Hypesman award, implemented after Eric Crouch won it, has now expired. Ahhhh, man that felt good. Easy like Sunday morning.
DEAR LOON,
ONE OF THE MOST UNDER-REPORTED STORIES OF THE YEAR IS THE DUEL BETWEEN BOBBY BOWDEN AND JOE PATERNO FOR MOST ALL-TIME WINS BY A COACH. WHO DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO COME OUT AHEAD AT THE END OF THIS SEASON?
-- BARRY IN COLUMBUS
Barry,
Bowden, hands down. He's got a tough defense, much better athletes, and a conference schedule that looks easier to get through than the Iraqi Republican Guard. Paterno, on the other hand, plays in a tougher conference with a thinner squad and has really started to look old and confused over there on the PSU sideline as of late. When the Nittany Lions hosted Murray State a week after their loss to Nebraska, he spent half the game yelling at players to get the hell off his yard.
DEAR LOON,
SO, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN ON SATURDAY?
-- GIL IN LINCOLN
Gil,
At least three things: The fans will boo the Cornhuskers' starting quarterback, the fans will boo the choice of plays Nebraska is running, and the fans will boo NU's former athletic director, Dollar Bill Byrne, who will be back in Lincoln for the game. One of these three will be perfectly acceptable; I'll leave it up to you to figure out which one. As far as the game goes, well, Reggie McNeal ain't no Brad Smith, or so we hope. And the Blackshirts will be (hint hint) wearing those white pants again. Huskers in a walk, brother.
DEAR LOON,
TIME TO WRAP IT UP.
-- MIKE IN LINCOLN
Mike,
You're so right, my friend. These "we-respond-to-your-fake-mail" schticks get old pretty dadgummed quick. Besides, everyone is doing them now, so they're more cliche than a kid in a trucker hat parking his PT Cruiser in front of an Applebee's. Husker fans have more pertinent things to spend their online time with, like voting for that NU yell squad member in Athlonsports.com's all-important "Who's The Best Cheerleader?" online poll. She needs a veritable plethora of votes -- so I'm off to stuff that ballot box. See ya.
==STEVE==
Red. White. Loon.
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